Falling is easy,
Staying in love is hard
Hard to be honest and keep our heart open
And be who we truly are
Without the excuse
Without the facade
She sat on her designated seat dreading for her turn,her turn on that question she feared would be asked .It was her time to be honest because she had known better than to lie .She was no close to perfection,no one ever is.
“Are you in a relationship?”
She looked beside her,around her to really confirm it was her turn to speak.Her thoughts were not helping with the should I or should I not ideas.She braced herself,took a breath and almost pretended to be thinking about it
“Am……………..uh………….kind of……. actually…..it’s complicated!very complicated…….”
She looked to the next person hoping to here the word next but nothing.Everybody wanted to know what it meant to be in a complicated situation because to them it was either black or white no shade of grey.She wanted to speak but her greatest fear was to be judged by the people she loved most.
“But you are a Christian!”
“But you looked innocent!”
She wished they understood how many times she looked in the mirror and told herself she was going to pull herself out of everything even if it meant by the hair. She wished she had been contented with loving herself and her God before everyone else .Yes,she wished she’d known the magnitude of the words ‘I Love you’.
Her silence meant she did not want to talk about it.Their eyes……oh their eyes wanted more,more than she could say. The only place she could narrate it all was in her mind diary,yes and it kept reminding her over and over again.
She met him and she immediately told herself that they couldn’t be,they just couldn’t me. Then his persistent nature that had no fear in holding her hand in public and giving her light kisses on her forehead……..she felt a slice of heaven or at least she thought she did.Her mistake was confusing public display of affection for eternal love…….she was wrong…..so damn wrong!
Everytime she thought of him she felt butterflies in her stomach and goosebumps all over her body. Then came the idea of having children and then cute baby names she would have for them..Denis for a boy and Dennisse for a girl…yeah that was her favorite name.She never wanted to go a step further…..no…..she felt like the casual phone calls and chatting was enough.You see when he wanted more,she couldn’t stay but her heart couldn’t run.Aaargh she wanted to honour her creator but she also didn’t want to miss the butterfly feeling.Would he ever understand that she loved him but her honouring her Creator was more important.With time she has realized that if she only was with him for the goosebumps and the butterflies than the actual love then was that infatuation?If her goal was to get to the matching outfit stage and the relationship goals hashtag then was that love?nah.
You see love isn’t confusing,dishonourable,sketchy or foolish.It doesn’t make you feel insecure on your back,no,it makes you stand confident on your feet.It honors the innermost feelings you are willing to share.It covers your naked finger before it asks to see your naked body.It makes you a wife before it makes you a mother.It loves all the time.It is willing to sacrifice itself and it’s desires for what is right not what is convenient.It is willing to be disciplined and self contolled.God is love,the blue print she wants to follow not any sloppy seconds
She is getting herself back because after all the bible says in Song of songs 8;4
Promise me ,O women of Jerusalem NOT TO AWAKEN LOVE UNTIL THE TIME IS RIGHT.
There is always gonna be a time for everything and for love too.Dont beat yourself up for being single and others in whatever stage of relationship .Time will come and that time will be right.
I will finish with a question
If you were to get married today and all the boys or girls you’ve dated in your life decide to line up next to you as you said I do,how would it be?
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